I Know My Rights . . .

My collective word carries my character: it is a perfect, complete portrait of the me. If that worries me (and it does), I must change not only my word but also my thought patterns. Even my words will not return to me void! Wow! My word carry blessing or cursing, wisdom or foolishness, joy or sadness, laughter or weeping. I am not what I tell you I am; I am what I say (and do) collectively!

This is really hopeless -- this idea of walking in holiness. I can't do it; it is impossible. But then I realized that my helplessness -- my hopelessness -- is what can be used by G-d to show me that it is He who is able. Otherwise, I would quit in disappointment, because I can't do this.

Earlier, I had written:

◌ "Holiness demands suitable conduct."

That would almost seem to be a given, but I need to be reminded -- often.

At around 3:15 a.m. on the morning I had written this, two persons parked their van across my driveway and chatted loudly for 45 minutes, I needed to be reminded. When they left their van blocking our driveway, to go down to the house down the street that is a "party house" on weekends, I needed to be reminded.

I did open the door and ask them to please move their van so we could use their driveway, and only by the pure grace of G-d was I nice about it. I thanked G-d as I returned to my bed. It wasn't the attitude of the "me" at the door this morning.

When one of their visitors woke me again by playing their vehicle stereo (or whatever they are called today) very loudly, I was highly irritated! I marched myself outside and down the street, dialogue on my mind. But I stopped, hands on my hips, and hoped my stare would be enough. It was. Thank G-d.

I asked myself, "What would be the best way to handle this?" Let it go? Roll over? Let the parties continue without saying anything? And I asked myself: what would be the kindest thing to do? In my opinion, the kindest thing to do is get involved. I am not the only one they keep awake every weekend, and being three houses up, I am not the one it bothers the most. So I will get together with my neighbors and see what they are thinking. . . .

So last night, we came home from my daughter's. A lot of people were gathered these neighbors' yard. One of the adults living there had died.

Yes, in America, we still have laws in place that should have prevented the noise, but I just wanted my rights -- to sleep without being awakened. Did I pray for these people? No. Was I friendly toward them at any time? No. In fact, I didn't want anything to do with these impolite partiers. Now, one of them is in eternity with no recourse, no second chance. And I strongly question my actions, motives, and everything else.

I wanted to give up. But I am being taught that when I make a mistake, keep plodding on. But then, again, I am not sure I made a mistake to demand that they quiet down!

Does a sanctified person just roll over? And if not, how how do we handle such situations as neighbors like this? I simply Do Not Know. And especially, I don't know what to do now. Take them food? Sure. But Big Deal!

But I wrote in my journal:
"I didn't do well yesterday. I don't feel like working on this; I feel like giving up. But I know that holiness is something worth fighting for. Still, honestly, if I had not started doing this, I know I would at least take a break -- and likely quit. And so, I cry out to G-d, 'Make me holy, because You are holy!' and I will stumble on."