Admission

Over the last three years, I have purposely lost just over 50 pounds. Throughout that time, I have continued to wear the same clothes, until it became obvious to me that I simply could not continue.

My husband and I both happened to have a particular Tuesday off from work, and I told him that on that day, I was going to take all my (what I called) "fat clothes" out and take them, with other items, to the Goodwill. He agreed to help.

I removed about 3/5 of my clothes to give away that day, leaving some of the things I just was not yet ready to part with still hanging there. In doing so, however, I found, back where I could not reach, some clothes from another time when I "just was not yet ready to part with" them, stored in three garment bags. I had no idea what was in them.

Not able to reach them, I called my much-longer-armed husband to come help, and to our surprise and my delight, each bag had dress suits in it -- suits from thinner days! Excited I tried on the suits. All were a bit too big, some quite a bit too big, but I was able to wear most -- some as they were and some with a tuck here and a few moved buttons there.

Not long later, I received a bonus check from work. I decided that the best way to use the money was to get come clothes that would actually fit.

I sat down and thought, "What is my style?" I had no idea! After all, I had allowed myself to become overweight for all of my adult life, and I really hated shopping -- especially clothes shopping! But when I realized what my personal style was, I was not only overjoyed to realize that most of those "found suits" fit that personal style, but that when I finally dragged myself to the mall, I found new suits that also fit my personal style! I also found hats in the basement that I had been saving for years, and they worked wonderufully with "my style." I also bought one other hat I have not yet found the guts to wear -- but I will.

I mentioned some posts back that when I was a child, "I strove to entertain [my family], in order to make those around me happy, so that there would be peace for me. It was a selfish motive. . . ." I find myself in a similar position again.

While I love the idea of classic suits, whenever I can, I want some little tweek of humor added to them, so that when people meet me, they will automatically smile.

Today, I wore such an outfit to synagogue -- a new black suit with white trim, and while it looks very acceptable today, as a classic suit, it had a definite backward look toward the early-to-mid '50s. I wore a white blouse, white silk-and-feather corsage, black heels, and a black Stetson fedora tipped low over my left eyebrow -- one of the hats that had sat around my house for who-knows-how-many years.

To my delight, when people greeted me, they smiled. No, grinned! They were laughing with me! And we both knew the unspoken joke. It was absolutely delightful and great fun!

But I was, after all, at synagogue. There, all things invariably turn into a spiritual lesson, and I am naturally very introspective. First, I remembered the selfish motive I'd had as a child, attempting to make everyone laugh (see my post, "You Shall Be Holy"). Today, I thanked G-d for the joy of seeing people smiling -- happy -- without such motives. This is purely by the grace of G-d!

Second, as more serious thoughts set in, I thought of how HaShem has supplied everything we need, yet like my hidden-away, forgotten suits I could have been enjoying (while I wore the old, over-size things), we are busy trying to create our own "spiritual clothing." We try to do things our way, not seeing the far finer "spiritual clothing" He has provided. If we would only "dig back into the closet, behind our imperfect self-made spiritual clothing," and pull out the beautiful clothing the Father has provided.